Two Year Survivor Day!

I am a breast cancer survivor. 

That's a status that you never want to achieve, but also, I'm proud to have achieved it.

What I mean is, nobody ever wants to face cancer, period. But if you do, you want to hurry through the "fighting cancer" stage and achieve that "survivor" status.

On April 25, 2018, I had a mastectomy to remove the tumor and 4 lymph nodes. After that, I had chemo, radiation, and targeted therapy. Then reconstruction surgeries. I still take a daily hormone blocker, and I go in quarterly for an injection to induce chemical menopause.

I am a survivor.

What I guess I never realized is, even as a survivor, the fight goes on, but it looks different. I'm fighting to stay well. I'm fighting to keep the cancer from coming back. I'm fighting to keep my sanity, because this chemical/hormonal yo-yo will make a girl crazy.  I'm fighting to make my body work properly. I'm fighting to figure out what this body is capable of, because it's so unfamiliar that I'm not always sure.

I am a survivor. But I'm still a fighter.

And I'm going to celebrate with cake.

Fear and Faith

We are in the middle of an unprecedented attempt to contain, no, to slow the spread of a virus we've never seen before.

There's a lot of information out there - some true, some false, some just plain stupid. I'm not writing about any of that, because I'm not an infectious disease expert. There are a lot of reactions out there that fit those same categories. I'm not writing about any of that, either, because my mama said if you can't say something nice...... Anyway.

There's a notion out there that fear and faith can't coexist. I'm not a Bible scholar, I'm just a human. A real, flawed human. And I'm telling you right now that fear and faith are both very present and very real in my life.

I am afraid of the virus, a little. I am afraid of the longer-term impact of these lifestyle changes on my life and the lives of loved ones, a little more than a little. My fear is, admittedly, guiding some of my choices right now. I am reading as much as I can about what's going on, partly to know more, partly because I can't stop. For me, this is a fearful reaction, but it has good results in that the more we know, the better we can do. I am following CDC recommendations to stay put, and while this an EXCELLENT thing to do, I'll admit that I'm partly doing it out of fear, as well as just common sense.

I guess what I'm saying is, fear can motivate you to do smart things. Just don't let it motivate you to do dumb things - which I'm not even going to get into, just because. (Just, please use your brain, okay? Okay, that's really all I'm going to say there.)

Even in the midst of fear, I know, without doubt, that my God is so so good. I know that even when life is hard and messy and uncertain and downright scary, God is still good. How do I know? Because of faith.

Faith that the God of Heaven promised to watch over and protect me - go read Psalms 91. Now's a good time; I'll wait.

Faith that the Creator of the World made me - and you - and put us right here, right now, for such a time as this. What are you going to do about that?

In the coming days and weeks, as this pandemic likely gets crazier before it calms down, I hope you look for God. Look for ways that He shows up - for you, and through you. Because in times like this, God uses ordinary people to show up and impact lives.

So, find a way to help someone out.

Speak peaceful, comforting words to someone who is letting their fear run rampant. Don't speak more fear into an already fearful situation. (I'm talking to myself here, too!)

Listen to the experts as they try their best to walk us through this, and give some grace when it seems like they're stumbling. In fact, give grace all around - the whole world is struggling to figure this mess out, and there will be missteps that are crystal clear in hindsight. Give grace.

Look for the good, and be the good, in these crazy times.

Because God is good, even if you're scared.

March 9 - Two Years Ago Today

Flashback time: March 9, 2018

I showed up at the Baytown hospital and went to the Breast Center. I got checked in and changed into a fluffy robe and waited in the private waiting area. There was a girl there who I knew from my pre-Luke days of going to workout classes at the gym; she was also there for a diagnostic mammogram. We said hello, but truthfully I probably seemed a little rude because I couldn't really cope with actual conversation due to all the nerves.

It's my turn, and I go back for the mammogram. In case you didn't know, a diagnostic mammogram puts significantly more pressure on the breast than a routine screening mammogram. The harder they squeeze, the more they can see. But, it's not that painful, just more discomfort than anything, and it's over quickly.

Next up, I went to a different room and they used ultrasound to take pictures of both breasts - the lump, the area around the lump, and the other breast for comparison.

After that was done, I went to another room, more of an office with a computer where I could also see the images, to talk to the radiologist.

I will never forget the conversation that day:

Radiologist: "I'm very concerned about this. We need to bring you back in for an ultrasound-guided biopsy, blah blah blah is what to expect with that, do you have any questions?"

Me: "When you say 'very concerned,' what do you mean by that?"

Radiologist, in the most matter of fact voice you can imagine: "Oh, I'm very concerned that this is a breast cancer. So, with the biopsy.... " 

And I then tuned her out: I truly have no idea what she said after that. A bit later, a nurse was sitting down with me (in yet another room) to schedule the biopsy, and I just lost it. I remember this nurse was so kind and patient with me, and that made me cry even more.

Finally, I got myself together enough to go get dressed. I was still crying, but less hysterically and slightly more discreetly. My friend was actually in the dressing rooms, and I could barely even look at her - I sort of mumbled something about good to see you, and I left. The whole way to the car, I was still crying. I got in the car, and I lost control of myself again - the sobs just wouldn't stop.

So, I did what I do when I don't have words. I turned on some praise music. Y'all, those singers and songwriters are unbelievably gifted, and their words have brought me such comfort on so many occasions that I can't even begin to name them.

This day, I turned on YouTube to just listen because at the time I didn't have a single app or account to stream music on demand, just Pandora's random selections, and that wasn't going to cut it. I chose Zach Williams' Fear Is a Liar. I turned it up as loud as it would go, and I sang through my tears as I drove home. I was afraid, but listening to the truth in that song helped me get my head on straight. So I listened to it over and over and over again.

When I got home, both boys were happy to see me, and we were loading up to head to Buffalo for the weekend. I didn't want to talk about it in front of them, especially Jay, because he was (and still is) very perceptive. So it was more than an hour, maybe two, before I could finally tell James what they'd said. It was agonizing having to hold it in for that long, but I think it helped me to be a little calmer when I finally told him - I cried, but I wasn't hysterical like I had been at the doctor's office.

And so, that is the story of March 9. It's also the story of how a certain song can say the words that you aren't yet able to form in your prayers - whether you're too scared, or too broken, or too stuck to get them to come together in any sort of cohesive way. Music is kind of magical like that - it just speaks for you if you'll let it.

Here's the lyric video of Fear Is a Liar, by Zach Williams.

Commitments

Well. I took a little break from writing last week, but thankfully it was nothing like my last break!

What's new: On Thursday, I go back to see Dr. Spiegel for my 3-month post-op appointment. This is the first she's seen me since the OR in December, and I don't have any major concerns, so it should be an easy appointment. I promise to update if there's anything to share!

Besides that, I've realized that my internal commitment to writing daily was... ambitious, ha. So, I'm revising my goal to be once a week minimum, but hopefully 2-3 times. I plan to have something new every Monday, because I know that we all need some goodness to get through Mondays, and hopefully reading this is a little bit of goodness for your life.

Commit your work to the Lord, 

and your plans will be established. 

Proverbs 16:3

This is me, committing my plans to the Lord. To myself and to you, as well, but most importantly, to Him. Because what am I doing, if not pointing you to Him?

You Are Faithful

Songs are one of the ways that I get through life without going crazy or spiraling into the depths of sadness or discouragement.

Sometimes, a song will come on the radio at the exact moment, and I know God sees me where I'm at and meets me there. (I've got a great story about that, but not today. Sorry, you'll have to wait for that one!)

Other times, we'll sing a song at church that just MOVES me, and it sticks in my head for days.

And then occasionally, I'll just stumble onto a new song "randomly" and it is exactly what I need in that moment. I say "randomly" because I know that this type of thing is never actually random.

So one day, I'd heard a song on the radio - I can't remember what it was, but it was about God's faithfulness, and I needed to hear it again, to really let it soak into my bones. I love doing that with a new song - just put it on repeat and hear all of the words and phrases and meanings within the song. The funny thing is, some seasons I'll hear one meaning, and then listen to the song months later and it means something else to me.

Anyway, I was looking up a particular song, and in searching for it, I came across this one. I listened and listened and just let it pour over me and soak in. It's simple, really, but beautiful in both melody and truth.

Enjoy!

Made and Remade

There's a verse that has been important to me for years.

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

Another version says "your workmanship is marvelous" and another version finishes with "it simply amazes me to think about it."

You could say that I have always had a pretty healthy body image. Sure, I had my hangups, but overall, I never went through that stage that so many young girls go through where they hate their bodies. And as I grew into a woman, I kept that self-confidence - in large part due to the above verse being spoken over me from a young age. Sometimes there were extra pounds I didn't want, or more cushion than I would have liked, or I didn't feel comfortable in certain styles, but overall, I was okay with my body, because I recognized that it was God's masterpiece and his temple (1 Corinthians 6:19). Disrespecting my own body was disrespectful to God.

And then.... I had a diagnosis about that body. And surgeries that, shall we say, modified it significantly.

I have had a very good opportunity for some body-hatred. I have scars - one of which is really big and red and ugly. Some things are missing, some things were repaired but don't look anything like the original. And a whole lot of things certainly don't feel like the original. "Foreign" is a word that sometimes comes to mind when I look at myself.

I could hate what I see in the mirror. I could resent the changes to my body. And some days, I am tempted to. But it's a choice - I choose what I will think about my body.

Would you ever say to a friend that her body is ugly? Would YOU tell ME that? No, you'd remind me that I am alive, and healthy, and thriving despite these changes. So that's exactly the sort of stuff that I tell myself.

I like to memorize important scriptures, but I also like to personalize them. I'm not saying that God's Word isn't already perfect, but it feels more applicable to me and my life when I personalize it. Or when I look at different translations, or sometimes even combine different ones.... it's sort of like seeing an old, very pretty, but really snuggly-looking quilt sitting up high on a shelf. You could dust it off and hang it on a quilt hanger, and then you'd be able to admire it much better. Or, you can grab that blanket, take it to the couch, put on a good movie, and really snuggle down and enjoy it. That's what I'm talking about doing with these scriptures. I'm not preaching to you, here, and telling you that you have to do this. I'm just telling you what I do in my own life, to make God's Word come alive in my own life. So that's my disclaimer.

Remember the verse above? Maybe scroll back up and reread it; I'll wait.

Ready?

Here's how it looks to me, now.

I will continuously praise You, God, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made and remade.

Your workmanship is marvelous, it simply amazes me to think about it!

Pursued and Pursuing

I love to tell my boys stories. Sometimes, they're stories from when I was a little girl, and sometimes they're made up on the spot based on a topic of their choosing. Occasionally, I'll tell a story about them, maybe something they did that day, or a behavior that they need to stop or start. My stories always start with 'Once upon a time,' and end with 'happily ever after.' So today, here's a story for you. Spoiler alert: I can't end it with 'happily ever after' because it's far from over, but I think it's far enough along that I can share with you.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. Woman? Lady? Whatever. Once upon a time, there was a mom/wife/friend. Whatever, again. Once upon a time, there was me. It's a story about me, okay? Moving on. (I promise, my kids' stories are way better than this.)

So anyway. Once upon a time, there I was, kicking along through life. Occasionally attempting various methods of self-improvement, like people these days are prone to do, but generally living a good life. I was doing my wifely things, and my motherly things, and going to church like I was supposed to. 

One day, way back in September 2018, I won a little contest on my friend Jami Lee's disciplined living Facebook page. The prize was an e-course called Make Over Your Mornings, by Crystal Paine. 

If you know me, you know that I'm not much of a morning person. I finally downloaded the materials in December of that year. When I got to the part about setting goals and such, well... I flunked out. Who flunks out of a 14-day e-course? This girl, right here. (Sorry, Jami Lee.)

The main reason that I gave up is because it was all about getting up a little earlier to start your day in an intentional way, and I just wasn't sold on the idea that I needed to get up earlier. I LOVE my sleep, especially the sleep that happens in the mornings, because I'm a night owl. So, I couldn't get over myself enough to see the value in getting up earlier, and so I didn't.

But the funny thing is, I began waking up earlier than my alarm, on a consistent basis. And staying in bed, and often getting really grumpy that I wasn't able to go back to sleep. Remember, I really love my morning sleep.

So, in April 2019, I went on a ladies retreat with my church, Second Baytown. On Sunday morning, I woke up really early, and decided to just get up and start my day. In the pre-dawn light, I walked around the lake to the pier, turned on some praise music, and did some yoga as the sun came up over the water. It was a really beautiful moment, and in that moment, the realization hit me: God has been pursuing me, all this time. 

I'd love to tell you I went home and began a beautiful and spiritual and productive morning routine after that special moment on the pier. And I did... for exactly 9 days spread over the course of the next month, and never more than 3 in a row. 

And then I flunked out, again. The God of the universe was pursuing me, and I flunked out. I consistently woke up before my alarm, and I rolled over, and didn't even go back to sleep, I just chose not to pursue Him back.

You know what, though? God is so faithful. And persistent. And patient. And He continued to pursue me, to gently push me toward wanting to have that relationship with Him. What I mean is, He continued to wake me up, to give me little hints that I needed to get up and spend time with Him.

Fast forward to January 2020. Yeah, last month. Crystal Paine was having a sale on her e-courses, and I forwarded the email to Rissa, who decided to do Make Over Your Morning. And she peer-pressured me to do it with her. 

A quick side note, here. Rissa is also not a morning person. Possibly less of a morning person than I am, because I have small children who sort of force me to be somewhat functional in the mornings, and she does not. And yet, here she is convincing me to give the course another go. God's got a sense of humor, you know.

So finally, finally, I am actually working through the course. I'm on day 13, although I've been working at it for a month, give or take a little. I'm getting up early most days during the week, and spending some time in the Bible. I'm not 100% consistent, and some days I get up early but things like dog puke keep me from sitting down to quiet time with my Bible. I'e still never made it more than 3 days in a week. But.... I am pursuing this as a discipline, a change to my normal, because I know that the reward for giving up a little of myself will be to see a little bit of Jesus in return. I am pursuing this, because I have been pursued, consistently and faithfully, by a good, good Father who wants a relationship with me. How can I continue to run from that?

Hear me on this: I am absolutely not telling you this story to brag on myself. It hasn't even been the requisite 21 days required for a new habit to stick, and I haven't even managed a full week's worth of mornings yet! I'm telling you this for accountability for me. I'm telling you this to encourage you. I don't know what your life looks like, but I know that God, our heavenly father, and the creator of the universe, loves you. He knows you, but He wants to know you more, and He wants you to know Him. 

Resources:
Jami Lee's Disciplined Living

Make Over Your Mornings