Lookin' Good, Feelin' Good.

I hear it all the time: You look good. Really good.

And I respond with: Thank you. I feel great. Really great.

That's usually where I change the subject, because I get a little self-conscious. But in reality? I should keep talking. I should say that the reason I look so good and I feel so good is because God is so good. 

Because He cares for me. 

Because He strengthens me and encourages me. 

Because He gives me peace on the inside when the storm rages outside.

Because He shows me how to find joy when I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow.

Because He lavishes his love on me, through family and friends who love me well.

Because He gives me wisdom and guidance as I listen to my doctors and sort through all the information out there.

Because God is so so good, I can look good and feel good.

So next time you see me, and you think I'm looking good, and I tell you I'm feeling good, now you know - it's not me, it's all God's doing!

Choices

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. Either I can't fall asleep, or something wakes me up and then I can't turn my mind off long enough to fall back to sleep for what feels like hours and hours.

A could of nights ago, as I was laying awake, the word CHOICE popped into my head. Choose, choice, imaging myself choosing something - I could just feel the essence of a choice right in front of me.

You have a choice, I heard. What are you going to choose?

Okayyyy.... I choose sleep. Sleep, I'm choosing you! Where are you, my dear friend sleep? 

Nothing. 

Well actually the opposite of nothing - lots and lots and lots of thoughts just continuing to flow. But sadly, no sleep.

Part of the problem: the overarching theme of that barrage of mental images and scenarios playing in my head and keeping me up at night is fear, worry, anxiety.

I've never been one to say I have anxiety, never been diagnosed with any sort of anxiety disorder, but the more I learn about it, the more I feel like anxiety has been a monster under my bed for most of my life. Most times, I do really well at ignoring it and going about life as usual, but sometimes I can hear it scruffling around under there and I'm paralyzed to do anything but wait it out.

But back to the other night. So clearly, I felt that *I* am to choose. I'm not 100% sure what that means, but that night, it meant tuning out the images of what ifs and problems and choosing to focus on something good. I chose the lyrics of a worship song, and now I don't even remember which one, but I just focused on one chorus, over and over and over, and before I knew it, it was 8 am and I had been sleeping peacefully for the rest of the night.

Something else I struggle with is waking up in a good mood. Or I should say, being woken up (by anyone or anything) often puts me in a bad mood. I don't know what it is exactly, and it doesn't seem to matter how much or how little sleep I've had, or whether it's a reasonable time to wake up or not. I just tend to not wake up in a good mood.

Back to that choosing thing... I can choose what kind of mood I wake up in. Or at least what kind of mood I continue in. Because if we're being honest here, sometimes when I wake up grumpy, I cling to that grouchiness long after events of the morning should have cheered me up.

I'm not saying I can choose for my problems to disappear. But I can choose the attitude I'll have when facing them. I can choos to focus on the problems (real or imagined) or the source of peace.

I choose peace.

Brief

Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.

Psalms 90:12 NLT

This is my daily Bible verse on my phone app. If I'm being honest, I ignore the app about half the time, and many other days, I just barely read it as quick as I can before dismissing the notification, with hardly another thought.

Life is short, y'all. That's such a common phrase, and most of the time it's used in reference to slowing down, enjoying the good times, making the best of the time we are here, and so on and so on. 

But you know what? It applies to our struggles and trials, too. Whatever it is you're going through today, the "brevity of life" means that it's only a season, and it too shall pass.

So chin up, friend! Look for the wisdom as you walk your walk, and remember it's only a season.

Word of the Year

I'm not a big fan of new year's resolutions. I've never really made them, and the few times I have, well, they didn't make it to February.

I did recently read an interesting take on the idea of New Year's changes and resolutions, but I can't remember now where (and I feel bad about that because I'd love to give credit where credit is due). 

Anyway, instead of creating specific resolutions, this person thinks in terms of more and less. What do I want more of in the upcoming year? What do I need to do to increase those things in my life? What do I want less of, and what steps can I take to make that a reality?

Now, this is kind of the opposite of the goal-mentality wherein you need to set specific, measurable goals with specific steps and timelines and all that jazz. But it's a more organic way of creating the life you want to be living, without the guilt that comes with inevitably failing at your resolutions.

As 2018 comes to an end, I'm asking myself: What do I want more of in my life for 2019?
Jesus. 

Joy.

Creativity.

What can I do to make that happen?

Devotionals and daily Bible reading plans are a good start for me. Did you know that in 2018, despite everything I had going on, I read through the whole Bible? I did a chronological reading plan, and it was very enlightening. There were times when I was behind - more than once I was 2-3 weeks behind - but I finished it right on time! I am honestly thinking of doing the same reading plan again. I know that rereading a passage of scripture (or anything, really) can provide different insights based on the context of your life when you read it, and I also think rereading it will help it to sink in even better.

As far as cultivating joy, I want more smiles and laughter and adventures in my life. I don't have a concrete plan for this, but I plan to seek out things that make me happy, more often.

Creativity... I'm doing it, here and now. I'm writing. I've also started keeping a bullet journal, although I'm not entirely sure how long I'll keep that up. Some days I love it and other days it feels burdensome. 

And on the flip side, what do I want less of in my life?

Cancer. I'm doing what I can do on that front, and it's going very well!

Fear. How can I get rid of fear, with all I'm facing? I guess that's not really feasible, but I want to keep moving forward despite the whispers of fear. 

Mosquitoes. Ha, haha. A girl can dream, right??? 

What about you, what do you want more of in your life for 2019? What do you want less of?

In some past years, I've chosen a word for the year. I've never really done much with that word; I've just sort of used it as a guide from time to time to reframe my thinking. This year, my word is Brave. I think it's fitting, with the devotional that I'm starting the year off reading. And, I think it supports all of the things on my more and less lists. I'm not brave on my own, but I can be with Jesus' strength. Being brave, stepping out of my comfort zone, leads to adventures and the space to be creative. I have to be brave as I face the rest of my treatments, and the upcoming surgeries. Bravery isn't the absence of fear, but acting out in bravery robs fear of its power over us. And, in southeast Texas, you've gotta be brave to face the mosquitoes!

Recharge

Today I got to have lunch with a sweet friend. We chatted while our kiddos climbed the McPlayLand. Tonight, my family is having an old fashioned sleepover at other friends' house, and tomorrow the kids will likely pull out every toy they own while we adults relax and catch up on each others' lives.

This Christmas season has been one of my favorites. In addition to all the joy and festivities, there have just been so many simple experiences, like today, that have just recharged me and refilled my cup.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I am thankful for friends to help me up. I hope you are taking a little time as we wind down 2018 to recharge with friends and family as well!

Imperfect is Okay

Imperfect.

It's a paralyzing condition for me - I am a perfectionist, and if I am going to do A New Thing, I want it to be done just right. A new Bible study? I want to sit down with my highlighters and a nice fresh journal and really dig in. Make a new dish? I want to use all the kitchen gadgets I never use, plus make sure I've got fantastic (and new!) sides to go with.

Except... those conditions never happen. Ever. Because, well, life is busy happening. And so, more often than not, I let the fear of imperfection stop me from even starting that new thing. Or, I find myself doing the absolute bare minimum - if I can't do it just right, then I might as well not even be doing it, except I have to, so here's my half-hearted attempt so I can check it off the to do list. 

But the funny thing is, I'm imperfect. Yep, I said it, I am not perfect. It should come as no surprise to me then, that the things I do, the life I live, is also imperfect. But each time I set my sights on something, and then either quit altogether or woefully underperform because I know I cannot do it as well as I'd like so I don't even really try, I still feel defeated or guilty or less than.

This blog, for example. I started it as a way to let friends and family keep up with what's going on with my treatment. Sometimes, there's nothing going on, so I don't write for ages. Other times, my writing is free therapy (for me, not you, although I do hope someone enjoys the words on this page). But because it's not perfect - filled with engaging, daily posts with lovely photos and read by many - I sometimes feel like I shouldn't even bother with it anymore. 

Here's the thing, though. I'm enjoying this bit of creativity, however imperfect it may be. And the last Bible study I did? I enjoyed that too, despite the fact that my highlighters were completely absent for the entire 6 weeks, and some days I found myself doing several days of readings to catch up to my small group.

Life is imperfect. And that's okay, because even the imperfect things can bring us joy. 

And, just because blogs are more fun with pictures, here you go:

Further proof of my imperfection: Luke's birthday was October 26, and his party was the weekend before that. These adorable photos were taken on........ December 10. And now, I've moved the LUKE balloons to his room, amid the perfectly curated gallery of decorations on his navy accent wall, because he pointed at it very forcefully and said Blue! when I tried to hang it on the empty gray wall. And I swapped out the D for a J, and so the last three balloons in BIRTHDAY are now on Jay's wall. So now my dining room says HAPPY BIRTH. We are getting some real mileage out of these birthday decorations, because that's how things go in this imperfect house. And that's okay.

Brave

Brave is a bit of a buzzword these days. Or maybe the word is as common as it ever was, and it's just buzzing my ears more than ever. 

Last March, I attended a one-day ladies' conference at Miracle Christian Center, the church I grew up in. The theme? Brave.

In April, I'm attending a ladies' retreat with Second Baytown, the church I've been attending for a few months. The theme? Brave.

I planned to attend both of these before I ever knew the theme, and it JUST dawned on me tonight, 2 months after registering for the Second retreat, that they had/have the same theme.

See, Second's conference is 100 days away, and leading up to it we are reading the daily devotional called 100 Days to Brave. I just started it tonight, so I have no idea if it's Earth shattering or a waste of my $10 and 10 minutes a day, but at the very least, it's gotten me thinking.

What does brave mean? I tell Jay often: Brave is being a scared, but doing "it" anyway, whatever "it" may be that has you scared. 

Brave is looking ahead to where you want to be, making a commitment to get there no matter what, and then sticking to your commitment even when it gets hard. Brave is not letting the buts get in the way. "I want to do this, but I might not be any good at it. I want to go there, but I have small children. I would love to have that, but money is tight." There are always buts behind dreams; brave is pursuing those dreams anyway.

Sometimes brave means giant leaps forward. Sometimes brave means tiny baby steps, or even crawling. Sometimes brave means dusting yourself off and starting over again when you've bailed on your goals. 

So I'm asking myself tonight, what does brave look like in my life? What does it look like in yours?