Five down, one to go!

Today was chemo day 5! One left, y'all, woohoo!

I'm currently holding down the couch, after some delicious pizza a friend brought over. It's so nice when food tastes good, and makes me dread the period when everything is just kinda icky. Except for sweets, they're usually reliably edible, ha!

So anyway. Today I learned:

I'll have an echo to check on my heart every 3 months for the remainder of a year, because the two smart drugs, Herceptin and Perjeta, can mess with the pumping functionality of your heart. So I had one before I started, and I'll have one next week, and then continue on a 3 month schedule. This "damage" if there is any, wouldn't be permanent - take a break from the meds and the heart goes back to normal and then you can start again. But I'm believing God that my heart will be pumping perfectly at each and every checkup!

The Physical Therapist came while I was getting my infusions. She did some measurements for a baseline, and checked my range of motion (which is limited and pain shoots down my arm when I reach up for things). Then she gave me some stretches to do to help. She also identified that I have some scar tissue that creates a sort of band from my armpit down my arm. This is what is causing the pain. So, I'll put a hot pack on and then massage it every day, followed by the aforementioned stretches, and that should help considerably. I also have a full PT appointment next week, and I'm assuming they'll walk me through actually doing some stretches.

Oh, and maybe TMI, a (negative) pregnancy test. Just a standard thing, not that it was suspected, but it's super important to not expand the family because the chemo is pretty terrible for babies. And, the hormone changes from a pregnancy would be pretty bad for me, too... So, the Rendon family is complete, y'all. I mean, it was anyway, because God gave me two hands and two boys and I don't believe in coincidences. But definitely for sure complete now, because more babies just wouldn't be safe. In case you were wondering, ha.

Um... I think that's all that was new today. I had my favorite nurse so far - he was chatty and funny and made the day really pleasant. All my nurses have been nice, but he was the best so far :)

Chemo is funny.

They tell you ahead of time that things will taste funny. Maybe metallic.

Funny and metallic are still edible flavors. Maybe not pleasant, but edible.

This "flavor" is, to be polite, not edible. It's kind of bitter. Kind of rotten. Makes your mouth pucker - which metal does also, so maybe that's why they say that?

Anyway, this is not a complaining post, honest. I just got sidetracked.

All that to say, it's often very hard to find something edible, because one bite will be good, and the very next bite is bad, so it makes you a little nervous for each bite. That means I get a little adventurous sometimes, or it means I eat the same thing over and over again even if it's not the best choice. 

One such "reliable" option is a Hot N Spicy McChicken Sandwich from McDonald's. The funny thing about my tastes, though, is that they aren't always the same as you expect. See, the Hot N Spicy is this little chicken patty sandwich that's kind of spicy, but nothing to write home about, and then I get it plain and dry with a slice of cheese.

Except... The chemo turns  that "slightly spicy" into an inferno. 

We are talking, two glasses of water to get through the sandwich. One tiny bite of sandwich, french fry french fry french fry, breathe some fire, chug some water, repeat.

And the funniest part? 

It's so spicy, it makes my ears burn.

I'm not even kidding you, I feel like those cartoons where the steam comes out of their ears. Its like they're ringing, but you can't hear anything. And drinking water doesn't solve burning in the ears, just so you know.

It's not terribly unpleasant, but it is certainly strange!

And sadly, there are still some bites that have that chemo taste. But mostly, I can't taste anything because of the burn, so I can eat the whole meal, and that's a win!

(Nevermind the reflux that rears its head a little later... But like I said, this isn't supposed to be a complaining post!)

I write. Sometimes.

Mostly I write to cope. I've been coping well, so not much to write. I also have a lot to say at bedtime, but I don't let myself write then because sleep is one of God's greatest gifts. Am I right, Mamas?

Anyway.

I'm writing today... To cope. Usually I don't get bogged down in the why's, and the how am I gonna do this, and I try super de duper hard to just look forward and onward and upward, because, to paraphrase someone who knows me well, I am optimistic as &+#*, right?

So... In an effort to regain my optimism this morning, I turned on my YouTube playlist called Songs of Truth, which has exactly two songs, because I have great intentions and less than stellar follow through.

Song number one - Reckless Love. If you haven't heard it, you must listen at least 6 times on repeat, then come back and continue reading.

There's no Shadow you won't light up

Mountain you won't climb up

Coming after me

There's no wall you won't tear down 

 Lie you won't tear down

Coming after me

Whoa. I love this song, mainly because each time I hear it, I focus in on a different part (hence my requirement for you to go listen 6 times before reading this).

Today...

There are a lot of lies that need tearing down for me. Lies that I try oh so hard not to listen to, but they're whispering to me anyway. 

I'm not going to tell you the lies humming around in my head, because I don't want to give them any more power than they already want, but I'm going to share the sweet sweet words that God gives me to tear those lies down.

I am not alone.

I am strong enough with his help.

None of this is a surprise to God.

I can do this.

I am worth this fight.

God gives good gifts.

Y'all. C sucks. Chemo sucks. It takes more from me than I want to admit. Dignity. Energy. Experiences. Strength.

But oh my. There is no Shadow of sadness or despair that God won't light up. Chemo is not a mountain too high for him to climb and reach me. There are no walls strong enough to keep him from me and there are certainly no lies big enough to make me believe them long enough to keep my God from me.

Why?

Because, HE IS COMING AFTER ME. 

Like, he's right behind me, gently ushering me through the door with a gentle hand on my back.

Or he's boosting me up onto a saddle I'm not tall enough to reach.

Or when I'm in despair and I'm hiding in my feelings and under the covers and just feel like I can't, he's running after me, coming after me, to lift me up and dispell the lies and shadows that try so dang hard to sneak in and find a foothold.

Not today, Satan, not today chemo, not today c.

My God gives good gifts.

But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the LORD's victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the LORD is with you!

2 Chronicles 20:17

PS, I've received 4 treatments, and I'm wallowing in the worst couple of days of this cycle and then should start to feel better any minute now. Then, a couple of good weeks and only 2 more cycles to go!!

And another PS... That verse says don't be discouraged. So I wanted to make sure I wasn't being discouraged, and see what I should be instead. This is gooooood.

Chemo #3 - some perks!

Well, I forgot to take a pic, but today was infusion #3 - I'm sort of halfway there! I say sort of, because I still have to get through the side effects, which are much worse than infusion day but not as bad as I expected, by a long shot.

The worst part of infusion day? I have this stick on injector that counts 27 hours and delivers a white blood cell boosting medication. It's called Neulasta, if you're curious. They stick it on me belly, it beeps for 30 seconds, then has 10 tiny clicks, and then BAM  it pokes me with a tiny needle but makes me jump out of my chair. It doesn't hurt, really, but it scares me every time!!! Whoever is with me gets a pretty good laugh.

I met with my oncologist today, and I asked her: "So how do we know this treatment is working?" And here's what she said:

Well, we just know that it works. Because your case is Her2+, it is exquisitely responsive to the treatments we are doing. Then, the chemo is attacking any cells in the body that are rapidly dividing, which will take care of any straggler c cells. And finally, the radiation will get any c that might be hiding out around the breast and armpit area. So your risk of recurrence is very very very low. And, they did some studies about women coming back often for scans to look for recurrence. While those recurrences were found earlier, there was no difference in the lifespan off those women vs ones who just came back when they had symptoms. But, the women who did not receive periodic scans we're overall much happier because they felt that they could close the chapter on c and move on with living their lives.

That, friends, was so encouraging to me! And for those who might be worrying about me, I hope you stop because God's got this, and I hope this report brings you comfort as well.

And now, on to some lighter things! I'd like to present to you, a list of the Top Six Perks of Chemotherapy.

1. It's much faster for me to get ready to go somewhere, because I don't have to fix my hair! (Except here lately, I've been playing with makeup because I got a whole bag of goodies from a c survivor skincare seminar - say that 5 times fast!)

2. Mosquitoes don't bite me - apparently I stink to them or something, because I normally get eaten up and I haven't had the first bite. 

3. Showers are faster because I don't have to shave my legs nearly as often! 

4. I haven't been nauseated at all. Not really a perk compared to normal life, but something I was really really worried about coming into treatment, so it's been a big relief.

5. Maybe a little TMI but the ladies will appreciate this... No monthly hassles!

6. The food. So many people have brought us really yummy stuff, or ordered takeout/delivery for us, and it's been a huge blessing. There have been a few times where my stomach or tastes have been wonky and I had to freeze the leftovers for a few days til things got back to normal, but overall, YUMMMM and thank you!!

Life is good, y'all. Even when it's hard, or different than planned, life is good. 

Jesus is Calling... Am I Answering?

A dear friend sent me a care package, and it included the Jesus Calling devotional and a few other goodies.

Actually, several sweet friends have sent lots of goodies and cards and food and and and... I'm terribly behind on thank you notes. (Miss Morris, I see you hanging your head in shame!) But, I so appreciate all of the kindness you have all shown me.

So, back to this devotional... 

"Recall that I am able to do immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine. Instead of trying to direct Me to do this and that, seek to attune yourself to what I am already doing."

Whoa. I mean, sure, we all know that God isn't at our beck and call, but how often are our prayers, or at least mine, 

     Please Lord help me do this.

          Please Lord provide that. 

               Please Lord give me give me give me. 

Or when I'm especially spiritual, it's

     Thank you Lord for helping me do this (task I'm about to do).

          Thank you Lord for providing that (thing which I need but haven't received yet).

              

But when do I ever actually attune myself to what he's already done? I feel like "attune" implies "change my attitude/actions to match" and honestly, that's not very easy.

It's downright hard. 

But aren't we called to do hard things?

Aren't we fully equipped to do hard things, when we listen to His words of encouragement?

Truly, He can do more than I can ask or think, and that includes helping me attune myself to what He's already done.

In case you're wondering, Round Two was much easier than the first - it was really only about 6 days of feeling really run down. Some of the other symptoms lasted longer than that, but I managed them much better this time and they slowed me down but didn't totally derail me from normal activities. I'm geared up and ready for Round Three's infusion on Monday! James is off work to take me that day, and I'm planning to FINALLY finish sewing Luke's stocking... that I started when he was born, ha!

Down Days and Super Heroes

Wanna know a secret?  

I have down days.

If you see me today, I'll probably still be smiling... but I was awake a good chunk of the night, achy and feeling sorry for myself, and still couldn't quite shake it off this morning when I woke up. And I don't even feel "that bad" today, so really, there's no reason for the funk...

Except that I'm human. I'm a person, and not a super hero, so I can't actually fight this fight every single day and win. Some days, I just don't feel like showing up to the fight, and I just want to hide. Or cry. Or both, maybe.

But... this morning, I got up and took Jay to Vacation Bible School at Memorial Baptist Church. Before this week, we've never set foot in there, although I've driven by a few times. It's a beautiful, sprawling red brick church with a big white steeple that chimes (which Jay loves hearing when I pick him up at noon), and it's filled with lots and lots of excited kids and shuffling parents and smiling volunteers this week. 

Tuesday was Jay's first day, and although we'd talked about it and he'd been excited, he told me he didn't want to go. I was firm and insisted, and told him if he didn't like it, he didn't have to return on Wednesday. The first whispered words out of his mouth when I picked him up? "I loved it and I want to come back tomorrow!"

Each day has a different theme. Today's was super heroes, and when I picked him up, Jay informed me that Jesus is the best super hero there is: "I learned that today at vacation bible school!" he proudly reported. Kid, you're onto something. A super hero's job is to swoop in and save the day when the regular people have done all they can do, and just can't find a way to win the battle.

So today, I'm just a regular person, doing all I can do, and yet still struggling and feeling more a failure than a success... and, oh hey, there's Jesus, swooping in. Here, right by me, to uphold me through this battle, this journey that is gonna take a while. 

I'm not talking about the metaphorical "Jesus is everywhere" talk - although, I do believe that Jesus is, in fact, with me always, because the Bible says so. 

But right now, I mean in a more concrete sense. Jesus's words are in me, and when I'm feeling low, He touches a friend and hints that maybe they should reach out to me, right in that moment that I'm feeling a little damp-eyed, and remind me of the truth that regardless of what is going on and how I'm feeling, there is always always always something to be thankful for, and when I choose to focus on that bit of goodness, even if it's tiny, that small-but-bright feeling of hope and grace will sneak in and light up my soul, little by little, and help me pull through today's dark patch. 

That, friends, is Jesus, being a super hero. Working through regular people, to reach me right when I need it. God is good, y'all, and I can't do this on my own. Thanks for being a part of my journey, for lifting me up when I just can't.

I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken!

Psalm 16:8

Bye Bye, Blue!

They said it would happen. 

Dr. Patel said I could expect my hair to start falling out between two and three weeks after my first infusion.

She was correct. Over the last couple of days, it was coming out way faster than normal, and speeding up, so I shaved it (also at doc's recommendation).

Before treatment started, I felt like it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I figured I'd just have a bald head, or wear a scarf, and it wouldn't really impact me much.

And then I started treatment, and after a couple of days, my hair started to HURT. Anytime my hair moved, it hurt. And hair moves a lot.

After that, it started to itch. And also, I broke out with an awesome rash from one of the medications that looked remarkably like horrible teenager acne - face, chest, and yep, my scalp. And that hurt, too.

So I thought many times over the last couple of days about shaving it because of those things, but of course part of me was holding onto the "maybe she's wrong" line of thinking. But, it definitely made me less attached to it.

Until it actually started to fall out quickly a couple of days ago... And then I thought, I'm not sure I can handle this. Monday night, I scheduled the appointment for today (Wednesday) and lost sleep over it for two nights. This morning, on the way to the salon, I thought I might puke. I even skipped mascara because I totally expected to lose it and bawl during the shaving part.

And then a funny thing happened.

It wasn't a big deal. 

I mean, it wasn't my favorite haircut I've ever gotten, but I didn't cry, and I am not as upset over it as I thought I might be the last couple of days.

Luke isn't a big fan. Jay was absent-mindedly petting my head while talking to me earlier, so I guess he's alright with it. Crispin was looking at me like I'm crazy - he convinced Mom to pick him up and let him smell my head, then he licked my ear and he's been fine since then.

So anyway, that's what's new with me. I'm feeling fine now, and have been since about the middle of last week, so it seems like about a week and a half of feeling crummy and then things get back to normal.

Round 2 is Monday. Specific prayer request: for normal results on some liver enzymes that were elevated last time. They need to stay the same, or preferably go back down to normal, so that we don't have to delay Round 2.