A year ago today, I checked in for surgery. The plan was a single mastectomy with immediate DIEP reconstruction, which means taking tissue from the abdomen to recreate a breast. It's a long surgery - 8-10 hours - with a long recovery - a solid 3 months of zero lifting, and then quite a bit more time before feeling totally normal again. But, a year ago today was going to be the biggest hurdle in my road to recovery, and then I was going to close the door on that chapter of my life.
A year ago today, I woke up too soon.
I remember laying in the hospital bed, my mind foggy from the anesthesia, and seeing the bright sunlight and struggling to make sense of the clock on the wall.
I don't remember what time it was, but it was around lunch time. Much much too soon to be awake for a surgery that started around 7 am. And there was James, sitting by my bed waiting for me to wake up, to be the one to tell me that things hadn't gone as planned.
A year ago today, I learned that my battle was just beginning.
A few minutes after I woke up, one of my two surgeons came in to explain.
"We found cancer in one of the four lymph nodes we removed."
Translation: Tissue expander instead of reconstruction. Chemo. Radiation. More surgeries down the road. Three months of not lifting my babies now, and three more months of not lifting them down the road, after reconstruction at an as-yet-undetermined date.
I knew going into surgery that this Plan B was a possibility, but we all thought the likelihood was very slim.
A year ago today, I learned more about cancer than anyone wants to know.
I learned about hormone receptors and lymphedema risks and wigs and hats and asking for rides and radiation creams and natural deodorants and paraben-free beauty products and physical therapy and more about digestive medications than anyone ever should know.
A year ago today, I learned how to ask for help and accept kindness without feeling guilty. Most of the time, anyway.
A year ago today, I learned that gracefully letting others help is a blessing to them. Turns out, people like feeling helpful and needed.
A year ago today, I learned the value of surrounding yourself with positive, God-trusting people. When your feet are knocked out from under you, these are the ones who lift you up and tell you to keep moving forward. They're the ones who fill you up with the positive words that you'd tell yourself if you weren't so down.
A year ago today, I woke up too soon.
