Word of the Year

I'm not a big fan of new year's resolutions. I've never really made them, and the few times I have, well, they didn't make it to February.

I did recently read an interesting take on the idea of New Year's changes and resolutions, but I can't remember now where (and I feel bad about that because I'd love to give credit where credit is due). 

Anyway, instead of creating specific resolutions, this person thinks in terms of more and less. What do I want more of in the upcoming year? What do I need to do to increase those things in my life? What do I want less of, and what steps can I take to make that a reality?

Now, this is kind of the opposite of the goal-mentality wherein you need to set specific, measurable goals with specific steps and timelines and all that jazz. But it's a more organic way of creating the life you want to be living, without the guilt that comes with inevitably failing at your resolutions.

As 2018 comes to an end, I'm asking myself: What do I want more of in my life for 2019?
Jesus. 

Joy.

Creativity.

What can I do to make that happen?

Devotionals and daily Bible reading plans are a good start for me. Did you know that in 2018, despite everything I had going on, I read through the whole Bible? I did a chronological reading plan, and it was very enlightening. There were times when I was behind - more than once I was 2-3 weeks behind - but I finished it right on time! I am honestly thinking of doing the same reading plan again. I know that rereading a passage of scripture (or anything, really) can provide different insights based on the context of your life when you read it, and I also think rereading it will help it to sink in even better.

As far as cultivating joy, I want more smiles and laughter and adventures in my life. I don't have a concrete plan for this, but I plan to seek out things that make me happy, more often.

Creativity... I'm doing it, here and now. I'm writing. I've also started keeping a bullet journal, although I'm not entirely sure how long I'll keep that up. Some days I love it and other days it feels burdensome. 

And on the flip side, what do I want less of in my life?

Cancer. I'm doing what I can do on that front, and it's going very well!

Fear. How can I get rid of fear, with all I'm facing? I guess that's not really feasible, but I want to keep moving forward despite the whispers of fear. 

Mosquitoes. Ha, haha. A girl can dream, right??? 

What about you, what do you want more of in your life for 2019? What do you want less of?

In some past years, I've chosen a word for the year. I've never really done much with that word; I've just sort of used it as a guide from time to time to reframe my thinking. This year, my word is Brave. I think it's fitting, with the devotional that I'm starting the year off reading. And, I think it supports all of the things on my more and less lists. I'm not brave on my own, but I can be with Jesus' strength. Being brave, stepping out of my comfort zone, leads to adventures and the space to be creative. I have to be brave as I face the rest of my treatments, and the upcoming surgeries. Bravery isn't the absence of fear, but acting out in bravery robs fear of its power over us. And, in southeast Texas, you've gotta be brave to face the mosquitoes!

Recharge

Today I got to have lunch with a sweet friend. We chatted while our kiddos climbed the McPlayLand. Tonight, my family is having an old fashioned sleepover at other friends' house, and tomorrow the kids will likely pull out every toy they own while we adults relax and catch up on each others' lives.

This Christmas season has been one of my favorites. In addition to all the joy and festivities, there have just been so many simple experiences, like today, that have just recharged me and refilled my cup.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I am thankful for friends to help me up. I hope you are taking a little time as we wind down 2018 to recharge with friends and family as well!

Imperfect is Okay

Imperfect.

It's a paralyzing condition for me - I am a perfectionist, and if I am going to do A New Thing, I want it to be done just right. A new Bible study? I want to sit down with my highlighters and a nice fresh journal and really dig in. Make a new dish? I want to use all the kitchen gadgets I never use, plus make sure I've got fantastic (and new!) sides to go with.

Except... those conditions never happen. Ever. Because, well, life is busy happening. And so, more often than not, I let the fear of imperfection stop me from even starting that new thing. Or, I find myself doing the absolute bare minimum - if I can't do it just right, then I might as well not even be doing it, except I have to, so here's my half-hearted attempt so I can check it off the to do list. 

But the funny thing is, I'm imperfect. Yep, I said it, I am not perfect. It should come as no surprise to me then, that the things I do, the life I live, is also imperfect. But each time I set my sights on something, and then either quit altogether or woefully underperform because I know I cannot do it as well as I'd like so I don't even really try, I still feel defeated or guilty or less than.

This blog, for example. I started it as a way to let friends and family keep up with what's going on with my treatment. Sometimes, there's nothing going on, so I don't write for ages. Other times, my writing is free therapy (for me, not you, although I do hope someone enjoys the words on this page). But because it's not perfect - filled with engaging, daily posts with lovely photos and read by many - I sometimes feel like I shouldn't even bother with it anymore. 

Here's the thing, though. I'm enjoying this bit of creativity, however imperfect it may be. And the last Bible study I did? I enjoyed that too, despite the fact that my highlighters were completely absent for the entire 6 weeks, and some days I found myself doing several days of readings to catch up to my small group.

Life is imperfect. And that's okay, because even the imperfect things can bring us joy. 

And, just because blogs are more fun with pictures, here you go:

Further proof of my imperfection: Luke's birthday was October 26, and his party was the weekend before that. These adorable photos were taken on........ December 10. And now, I've moved the LUKE balloons to his room, amid the perfectly curated gallery of decorations on his navy accent wall, because he pointed at it very forcefully and said Blue! when I tried to hang it on the empty gray wall. And I swapped out the D for a J, and so the last three balloons in BIRTHDAY are now on Jay's wall. So now my dining room says HAPPY BIRTH. We are getting some real mileage out of these birthday decorations, because that's how things go in this imperfect house. And that's okay.

Brave

Brave is a bit of a buzzword these days. Or maybe the word is as common as it ever was, and it's just buzzing my ears more than ever. 

Last March, I attended a one-day ladies' conference at Miracle Christian Center, the church I grew up in. The theme? Brave.

In April, I'm attending a ladies' retreat with Second Baytown, the church I've been attending for a few months. The theme? Brave.

I planned to attend both of these before I ever knew the theme, and it JUST dawned on me tonight, 2 months after registering for the Second retreat, that they had/have the same theme.

See, Second's conference is 100 days away, and leading up to it we are reading the daily devotional called 100 Days to Brave. I just started it tonight, so I have no idea if it's Earth shattering or a waste of my $10 and 10 minutes a day, but at the very least, it's gotten me thinking.

What does brave mean? I tell Jay often: Brave is being a scared, but doing "it" anyway, whatever "it" may be that has you scared. 

Brave is looking ahead to where you want to be, making a commitment to get there no matter what, and then sticking to your commitment even when it gets hard. Brave is not letting the buts get in the way. "I want to do this, but I might not be any good at it. I want to go there, but I have small children. I would love to have that, but money is tight." There are always buts behind dreams; brave is pursuing those dreams anyway.

Sometimes brave means giant leaps forward. Sometimes brave means tiny baby steps, or even crawling. Sometimes brave means dusting yourself off and starting over again when you've bailed on your goals. 

So I'm asking myself tonight, what does brave look like in my life? What does it look like in yours?

Another Bell

I want to let you in on a little secret.

There is no One Bell when it comes to cancer treatment.

When I first started chemo back in June, I walked by The Bell each time I walked into the treatment facility, and each time I walked out, counting days until I could ring it. 

My dad was there with me on my last chemo day. And when I finally got to ring that bell, it was so special that we were both teary. The nurses cheered and clapped and snapped pictures, and even mailed me a certificate.

And then 3 weeks later, I had another infusion. Not chemo, of course, so it was MUCH easier to tolerate. But still, the journey didn't end with that bell.

A few weeks after that, I began daily radiation sessions, and again, I've been walking past a bell every day, counting down the days until I get to ring this bell, because, as it turns out, when you finish a phase of treatment, whatever that phase is, you get to ring the bell.

So I understand now that it's less about being finished, and more about marking off a milestone in the journey. 

And so today is another day, another Bell, another part of my journey ended so that I can keep on keepin' on.

This time, I full on cried as I read the poem. Because I DID IT. I rocked this, and it is done. Not the whole journey, mind you, but this big milestone, radiation, is FINISHED.

Hallelujah, and Merry Christmas to me!

So, you got my Christmas card, huh?

I love sending Christmas cards, and I love getting them. My favorites are the ones who send a letter telling what all is going on with them, and while I always intend to do that, I think I've managed it once. I figure since I've already got the blog going, it's easier to write here than to put it in a letter.

This has been a roller coaster of a year, for sure.  We spent the first part of the year finishing up repairs from Harvey.  Last August, our home flooded while we were in Buffalo at Mom & Dad's. The boys and I spent 4 months living with them while James oversaw repairs to make our house livable, and we moved back in last December. Even after we moved back in, there were several things we still needed to do, but we're finally done with everything! On top of that, I think I've put more effort into decorating this house, post-Harvey, than any home we've previously lived in. It feels good to feel at home.  Oh, and some of you may not know that we moved in April 2017, just four months before Harvey!

Jay turned 5 in July, and started Kindergarten in August. It was a rough start, but he's finally really enjoying it, and he's doing SO well. He goes to a private kinder at the church where he's been in preschool/mother's day out since he was 2, and has a really small class.

Luke turned 2 in October, and he's starting to say lots of words, and even putting them together. He has been a little slower to talk - probably because Jay is ALWAYS talking. (Just this week I said something to Jay about only talking when it was his turn, and not when he's not supposed to at school, and he said, But Mama, when I have something to say, I just can't hold it in!) Luke misses Jay while he's at school, but he's been spending some time at a babysitter and loves going there to play.

James celebrated 5 years with Dianal in March, and we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary in November!

And then, there's me. In January, I found a breast lump, which was diagnosed as breast cancer in March. In April, I had a right mastectomy. At that time, we learned that it was more invasive than the March biopsy had indicated; however, it was a very treatable type (ER+/PR+/HER2+), so I'm looking at a 95% cure rate. If you're curious, I'm 33.

I had 6 rounds of chemo from June to September, which was one infusion every 3 weeks. As of this writing, I'm down to 6 more sessions of daily radiation - my last one is on the 18th! I will continue to receive an infusion every 3 weeks until next summer, but it's two medications with few side effects. Sometime next year, I'll have reconstruction, which is a two-surgery process with 3-4 months of recovery in between.

This blog arose from the need to share my journey with those who wanted to follow along, so feel free to go back through old posts where I give a lot more detail about each step of the process.

And if you didn't get a card from me, I'm sorry - I know there are some friends checking in here whose addresses I don't have! But, here are some of the pictures I included on the cards, so you don't feel too abandoned.

  

  

Radiation Update

Woops, y'all, it's been ages since I posted! Here's what's new.

Radiation is going well. I started on October 30. I drive down to an annex office right outside of the Medical Center (aka, free parking) 5 days a week, but the appointment is short. I'm usually in and out in 20 minutes, except the one day a week I have to see the doc, and then it's more like an hour or so. But, it takes about an hour driving each way. I am down to 7 more sessions - 4 boost and 3 regular, and I'm SO ready to be done. The radiation itself isn't so bad, but the driving and juggling appointments and kids and life is wearing me out. 

I'll have a total of 28 regular sessions, where they zap the entire breast/armpit/collarbone area, and then 5 boost sessions where they only zap the area around the incision. This was supposed to be sequential, but I'm having some major skin irritation under my arm, so they decided to pause the regular sessions, do the boost, and then we will go back and finish up the last of the regular sessions. The official name for this is a "sandwich boost" and it gives my skin a chance to recover. 

I also have about 47 creams I'm using. At night, I use a thick cream recommended by my plastic surgeon to coat the whole area, from my lower ribs, up over my shoulder and down my shoulder blade, and under my arm. Right after treatment, I have a thinner cream that the radiation oncologist recommended called Miaderm. Now that I'm dealing with some skin irritation, I have a prescription called Silvadine, aka, Magic Cream. After just three uses, my skin feels dramatically better. The downside is that it stains clothes... so I'm wearing James's old work shirts. (So if you see me around, he has 3-4 of the same shirt, and I'm wearing them all - not just the same one several days in a row!)

I have been really lucky to find a great babysitter in my neighborhood for Luke. He loves going to "Tessie" house (Jessica, or Jessie for short), and even packs his own backpack every day with his blankie, paci, and water, along with some random toys. He also pretends to drive to her house and tells me bye-bye, and asks to go there on days he doesn't have to. If you know Luke, you know this is HUGE because prior to the last couple months, I'd never really left him anywhere successfully except with family!

And that's the story of radiation, which is kind of all-consuming right now. I've been sick for, I dunno, about 6-7 weeks now? with a cough and runny nose. I'm finally almost over it all, thank goodness. Still a lingering cough that just doesn't want to go away, even with Mucinex. Whatever, I like sounding like a 70-year-old smoker, it's sexy.

I'm still doing my Herceptin/Perjeta infusions every 3 weeks. Sort of. I did #9 this past Monday, but I had a big delay for #8. My first and second ones after chemo ended (so, #6 & #7) were at the Baytown hospital, which should have been more convenient, but was just a big headache. I loved the nurses there, but didn't care for the doctor. See, I kept my main oncologist, Dr. Patel, but she doesn't have privileges at Baytown, so her colleague was signing my orders, and... he was not Dr. Patel. I went in 4 different times to try to receive infusion #8, and finally got it on the 4th try because she was on the phone telling him to give it to me, I think. He was delaying it because some of my blood counts were low, but these medications don't cause that, so delaying didn't do any good. So, to make a long story short, #9 was back at the Med Center (where I got all my chemo sessions) and it was nice and smooth. I'll be going there for the remainder of my sessions.

That's about all going on over here. I'm ready to finish radiation so that I can relax a bit and enjoy Christmas!