Five down, one to go!

Today was chemo day 5! One left, y'all, woohoo!

I'm currently holding down the couch, after some delicious pizza a friend brought over. It's so nice when food tastes good, and makes me dread the period when everything is just kinda icky. Except for sweets, they're usually reliably edible, ha!

So anyway. Today I learned:

I'll have an echo to check on my heart every 3 months for the remainder of a year, because the two smart drugs, Herceptin and Perjeta, can mess with the pumping functionality of your heart. So I had one before I started, and I'll have one next week, and then continue on a 3 month schedule. This "damage" if there is any, wouldn't be permanent - take a break from the meds and the heart goes back to normal and then you can start again. But I'm believing God that my heart will be pumping perfectly at each and every checkup!

The Physical Therapist came while I was getting my infusions. She did some measurements for a baseline, and checked my range of motion (which is limited and pain shoots down my arm when I reach up for things). Then she gave me some stretches to do to help. She also identified that I have some scar tissue that creates a sort of band from my armpit down my arm. This is what is causing the pain. So, I'll put a hot pack on and then massage it every day, followed by the aforementioned stretches, and that should help considerably. I also have a full PT appointment next week, and I'm assuming they'll walk me through actually doing some stretches.

Oh, and maybe TMI, a (negative) pregnancy test. Just a standard thing, not that it was suspected, but it's super important to not expand the family because the chemo is pretty terrible for babies. And, the hormone changes from a pregnancy would be pretty bad for me, too... So, the Rendon family is complete, y'all. I mean, it was anyway, because God gave me two hands and two boys and I don't believe in coincidences. But definitely for sure complete now, because more babies just wouldn't be safe. In case you were wondering, ha.

Um... I think that's all that was new today. I had my favorite nurse so far - he was chatty and funny and made the day really pleasant. All my nurses have been nice, but he was the best so far :)

Chemo is funny.

They tell you ahead of time that things will taste funny. Maybe metallic.

Funny and metallic are still edible flavors. Maybe not pleasant, but edible.

This "flavor" is, to be polite, not edible. It's kind of bitter. Kind of rotten. Makes your mouth pucker - which metal does also, so maybe that's why they say that?

Anyway, this is not a complaining post, honest. I just got sidetracked.

All that to say, it's often very hard to find something edible, because one bite will be good, and the very next bite is bad, so it makes you a little nervous for each bite. That means I get a little adventurous sometimes, or it means I eat the same thing over and over again even if it's not the best choice. 

One such "reliable" option is a Hot N Spicy McChicken Sandwich from McDonald's. The funny thing about my tastes, though, is that they aren't always the same as you expect. See, the Hot N Spicy is this little chicken patty sandwich that's kind of spicy, but nothing to write home about, and then I get it plain and dry with a slice of cheese.

Except... The chemo turns  that "slightly spicy" into an inferno. 

We are talking, two glasses of water to get through the sandwich. One tiny bite of sandwich, french fry french fry french fry, breathe some fire, chug some water, repeat.

And the funniest part? 

It's so spicy, it makes my ears burn.

I'm not even kidding you, I feel like those cartoons where the steam comes out of their ears. Its like they're ringing, but you can't hear anything. And drinking water doesn't solve burning in the ears, just so you know.

It's not terribly unpleasant, but it is certainly strange!

And sadly, there are still some bites that have that chemo taste. But mostly, I can't taste anything because of the burn, so I can eat the whole meal, and that's a win!

(Nevermind the reflux that rears its head a little later... But like I said, this isn't supposed to be a complaining post!)

I write. Sometimes.

Mostly I write to cope. I've been coping well, so not much to write. I also have a lot to say at bedtime, but I don't let myself write then because sleep is one of God's greatest gifts. Am I right, Mamas?

Anyway.

I'm writing today... To cope. Usually I don't get bogged down in the why's, and the how am I gonna do this, and I try super de duper hard to just look forward and onward and upward, because, to paraphrase someone who knows me well, I am optimistic as &+#*, right?

So... In an effort to regain my optimism this morning, I turned on my YouTube playlist called Songs of Truth, which has exactly two songs, because I have great intentions and less than stellar follow through.

Song number one - Reckless Love. If you haven't heard it, you must listen at least 6 times on repeat, then come back and continue reading.

There's no Shadow you won't light up

Mountain you won't climb up

Coming after me

There's no wall you won't tear down 

 Lie you won't tear down

Coming after me

Whoa. I love this song, mainly because each time I hear it, I focus in on a different part (hence my requirement for you to go listen 6 times before reading this).

Today...

There are a lot of lies that need tearing down for me. Lies that I try oh so hard not to listen to, but they're whispering to me anyway. 

I'm not going to tell you the lies humming around in my head, because I don't want to give them any more power than they already want, but I'm going to share the sweet sweet words that God gives me to tear those lies down.

I am not alone.

I am strong enough with his help.

None of this is a surprise to God.

I can do this.

I am worth this fight.

God gives good gifts.

Y'all. C sucks. Chemo sucks. It takes more from me than I want to admit. Dignity. Energy. Experiences. Strength.

But oh my. There is no Shadow of sadness or despair that God won't light up. Chemo is not a mountain too high for him to climb and reach me. There are no walls strong enough to keep him from me and there are certainly no lies big enough to make me believe them long enough to keep my God from me.

Why?

Because, HE IS COMING AFTER ME. 

Like, he's right behind me, gently ushering me through the door with a gentle hand on my back.

Or he's boosting me up onto a saddle I'm not tall enough to reach.

Or when I'm in despair and I'm hiding in my feelings and under the covers and just feel like I can't, he's running after me, coming after me, to lift me up and dispell the lies and shadows that try so dang hard to sneak in and find a foothold.

Not today, Satan, not today chemo, not today c.

My God gives good gifts.

But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the LORD's victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the LORD is with you!

2 Chronicles 20:17

PS, I've received 4 treatments, and I'm wallowing in the worst couple of days of this cycle and then should start to feel better any minute now. Then, a couple of good weeks and only 2 more cycles to go!!

And another PS... That verse says don't be discouraged. So I wanted to make sure I wasn't being discouraged, and see what I should be instead. This is gooooood.