Keeping It Real

The other day, a friend was asking how things are going, and I remembered that I hadn't updated the blog in a while. Sorry.

So, things are going pretty good. I've been walking upright for about 10 days now. On my first morning upright, I couldn't do it - there just wasn't enough slack in my abdomen to make it all the way up to straight! By lunchtime, I was pretty much straight. But then we went to lunch at this new place. When we walked out, James said, Stand up straight! And I couldn't because I'd used up all my abdominal slack on that burger, ha! But after a few days, I was fully upright, even with a full belly.

I'm back to sleeping in my bed now, hooray! I still have to prop my knees and sleep with an extra pillow under my head, but it's nice to be back in bed. And this evening, James surprised me by putting our room back in order - no more recliner squeezed next to the bed and blocking my nightstand!

I've started using silicone scar therapy sheets. My abdominal scar is angry and red, but I know it'll chill out eventually. My belly button sort of looks like a craft project gone wrong, so maybe with time (and maybe some help in Phase 2) it'll look better.

My belly is way less swollen, so that's nice. I still can't wear regular pants though, but I found some great jeans with an elastic waist, so I feel really normal now.

I have some tingling in my right hand and arm that is a little unnerving (ha, see what I did there? unNERVE-ing? Get it?) But I'm starting physical therapy this week so hopefully that resolves that issue. Otherwise, I see my oncologist in a couple of weeks and I'll get her to figure out the problem.

Last week I walked a couple of days - once around the block, and once I did half a mile on our neighborhood trail. By the end of it, my belly was feeling extra tight, so I ended up walking a little bent over, but it was still so nice to move.

I still have lots of days where I feel suddenly and totally exhausted. If I'm home, I usually sneak a nap, but sometimes that's just not possible. But I also have lots of days where I'm going and doing all day long, and again, it feels so normal. Normal is a good thing!

I'm having some skin issues - idk if it's a rash like I had a couple weeks after surgery, or if it's more of a breakout type thing from my hormone blocker, but hopefully it clears up soon. Otherwise I might make an appointment with my dermatologist and see if he can straighten me out.

I think that's about all that's going on with me. So when I told my friend all that, she said, You always keep such a positive attitude about it all.

And you know what, I do keep a positive attitude. Keep being the key word, there.

The default is not always positive. Sometimes, my first thought when I look in the mirror is revulsion. Sometimes, my first response to a random pain is fear. Sometimes, my first feeling after a setback is defeat. I'm not going to clarify "sometimes" because it varies from rarely to often and back again. But just know that I do have those feelings. But I keep a positive attitude.

Keep. That is the key.

When you clean house and go through toys and clothes and papers, you toss some and you keep some. You make a choice about which things are important enough, good enough, valuable enough to keep. There is this big decluttering movement about only keeping things that bring you Joy, and you pick up each thing and make a split-second decision about it, based on how it makes you feel - keep or toss, keep or toss.

Emotions are the same way. I have all the emotions. The question is, which ones am I going to keep. Which ones improve my life, make things better, build me up and push me forward - those are the ones to keep.

It's all a choice. So I'll continue choosing to keep a positive attitude.

A merry heart does good like a medicine
But a broken spirit dries the bones. Proverbs 17:22