I'm going to let you in on a little secret right now. In the days leading up to Phase 2, I was ANGRY.
I was BITTER.
I was FURIOUS.
I felt HATRED and RESENTMENT and, gasp, I said ugly words. Not TO anyone, but still, I said them, out loud, and I fantasized about saying them TO someone.
Do you believe all of that? If you've been watching me, you probably don't believe a word of it. And that's because somehow I've managed to walk this walk with a smile and grace that is unnatural, or should I say supernatural? But that's because that's the side I choose to show. I've talked a lot about how important words are, and your attitude in whatever battle you're facing, and THOSE are the reasons why I work really hard to maintain this rosy attitude I've been accused of keeping - not because I care what anyone thinks about me. This smile isn't really for you, friend, it's for me.
Because when I let go of the smile, there's ugly lurking in there, and sometimes, it squeezes its way out.
Like the week before surgery. There was some ugly peeking out that week. If you still don't believe me, just ask James.
Why? I was coming up on the last, final surgery - a surgery that marks the nearly-finished line in my battle against this disease. Isn't that cause for celebration, even if there are some nerves about having another procedure?
Well, sure. I was excited about that aspect. But at my consult about a month before, I was informed that part of the lipo for the symmetry portion wouldn't be covered by insurance. A $3,500 part of it. Remember, my surgery was December 18... one week before Christmas... on top of the fact that I'd already met my insurance's out of pocket maximum for the year on everything else I've done.
Someone at the doctor's office had alluded to this a long time before, but I thought that surely in my case, that wouldn't be so - it couldn't be so. See, they did some lipo on my love handles (they refer to them as flanks, but that sounds like a horse) as well as inner and outer thighs. So, insurance has decided that flank fat is acceptable to use for new boobs, but thigh fat is "cosmetic." Which translates to, "not covered by insurance and payable in full before the procedure will be done." Even though my doctor told me - ahead of time - that I did not have enough fat in my sides alone so she'd have to use my thighs to get the results I "wanted," which was just boobs that look pretty similar to each other.
Y'all.
I was MAD. I felt cheated, betrayed by my doctor's office and my insurance company both. LIVID that someone, somewhere had the audacity to decide that any teeny tiny portion of reconstructing breasts that were removed due to cancer, could be considered "cosmetic."
I was even more frustrated because if I'd chosen implants, then they'd be covered at 100%, even if I chose to have 36EE boobs. (Remember, this surgery only added 100cc's - I'm still in the A/B range, here. That doesn't seem very "cosmetic" to me.) And down the line, if those implants needed replacing, which they generally do, that'd be covered, too. Never mind that they've discovered that some implants ALSO CAUSE cancer. Never mind that many women are reporting enough adverse symptoms that they've named a disorder "Breast Implant Illness" and these women are having their implants removed. Insurance would cover those. But my own tissue? That isn't even as perky as an implant? Yeah, that's "cosmetic." Cue the ugly words, *here* because even now, I can feel them burning inside.
But ya know what?
I did the surgery anyway. My sweet, sweet husband was the voice of reason for me. He held me and let me ugly-cry, and spew the anger I was feeling, and then he put the brakes on it. See, I'm the person who generally handles our finances, but he very sweetly reminded me that we could manage this, that it didn't change anything about our Christmas plans, and most importantly, that I was worth it.
If I think on it, I can still feel those ugly feelings. But, I'm not going to keep thinking on it. Writing all this out brought it back for me, more than I care to admit. And so, I'm moving on. I wanted to be real with you for a minute, to let you know that even though I always look rosy and cheerful, I'm not.
In the book of Philippians, Paul writes these words from prison:
For I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing, or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or with little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:11-13
If he can be content with whatever his station, whether it's freedom or prison, poor and hungry or full and satisfied, then I can, too. I have the same source of contentment in my life that he did: the grace of Jesus. That is the secret of living in every situation. But, it's a choice - a minute by minute choice for how you want to respond to every situation.
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